Have you ever thought about how you move or how you like to move? As you answer the following questions think about how your movement preferences compare to your child’s.
· What kind of energy do you use as you go about your day?
· How do you move to express your emotions?
· Are you more comfortable moving slowly or are you someone who hustles and bustles?
· Do you have a preference for a high level of activity and variety in your day or are you happier when you can lay back and calmly approach the things you have to do?
· Are you comfortable when your balance is challenged or do you work to maintain stability at all costs?
· What is your comfort level with different kinds of movement: dancing, whirling, bouncing, stretching, skipping, leaping, running, walking, kicking, throwing, jumping?
· Do you prefer doing movements with your hands (like knitting or drawing) or do you prefer to be active with your whole body?
· Are you someone who has a challenging time getting your energy going or is it easily accessible?
We’re all born with some innate preferences and we’re also influenced by how those preferences are shaped by our experiences and interactions. By comparing your own movement preferences and energy inclinations to your child’s, you might find that you easily match each other…. or, you might discover that you’re very different and that these differences can lead, at times, to a sense of dissonance in your relationship.
For example, you might have an infant who needs constant jiggling and bouncing or a toddler who has lots of intense energy and needs constant movement, but you are someone who prefers quiet, calm activity. Another situation could be that your baby is happiest when she can sit back and observe rather than participate but you are someone who likes to jump in and interact. These differences in inclinations can make it hard for you to feel comfortable with your child’s needs, and a sense of disconnection can result.
Being aware of your differences and the responses you have to them, can in itself be a relief. Awareness can also provide the opportunity for you to look at your choices. One option would be to try to meet and match your child’s energy and movement style to some extent. Tuning into her, feeling how she is expressing her needs, you might find an opening to join her. For example, if she’s excited and is expressing it enthusiastically and you find yourself resisting her energy because of your preference for quiet and calm, try bridging the gap by moving in the direction of her exuberance rather than away from it. Try matching the energy of her excitement by quickening your pace, chasing, bouncing, squealing, dancing – any movement that enlivens and activates! You’ll likely notice your own fear or hesitation come up, and that’s natural. You’re entering territory that’s unfamiliar and can feel disorganizing. See if you can move in this direction in measured steps so as not to go too far outside of your comfort zone.
By the same token, you can offer the wisdom of your movement inclinations to your child by inviting her to extend and expand her range of preferences. Asking her to move outside of her comfort zone in order to join you can be an important learning opportunity for her. If her preferences are strong, you’ll need to work in small doses, challenging but not going too far. Keep in mind that she isn’t going to be as good at compromising as you, the adult, are.
You bring your own level of arousal - expressed in non-verbal posture, energy and movement – to every interaction with your child. How you communicate it has a powerful influence on her sense of comfort and connection. Matching leads to attunement, and as you go back and forth, taking in and modulating each other’s energy and movement, you’re actively building the bonds of attachment.